I See You

Have you ever gotten to the place where you don't recognize yourself? Like, who is that person staring back at me in the mirror. Been there. But, right now, okay, I see you. I finally see myself as I am. When I first moved here, life was so raw and full of hurt I hardly recognized myself. I was closed off and defensive and broken. My face was a shadow of dark circles and hollow eyes. My heart had a barrier that was concrete and unbreechable. That girl was sad. I thought she was forever doomed to that dark place where the betrayed and broken feel exiled to because, really, how do you allow anyone in that messy life? That girl? She is healing. That girl? I see you. I see you laughing at work because your co workers are like family. I see you. Relaxing on the couch at that coffee shop because the room radiates peace. I see you. Working those overtime hours because that little boy is counting on you and you won't let him down. I see you. Letting down your guard along with your hair and smiling because although life is hard, life is also good. Girl, I see you. 

Keep choosing goodness because life is beautiful.

Entering a New Decade

I have been a Christian 10 years today. It has been quite the journey so far. There have been moments I felt on top of the world and my heart felt full to bursting. There have been times I felt there was no deeper pit I could fall into and I was a friend to grief. I have grown and changed and I feel overwhelmed with gratitude at all that I have been allowed to experience. I don't regret or shy away from the hard times. I learned the most from the seemingly empty days where I felt alone and the painful nights full of fear and sorrow and anxiety. Because through it all, Jesus was there and He has never changed no matter how much I have. I have opened my mind and heart and learned that the greatest thing we can do is truly love all. Where they are, who they are, what they do or think or believe. Love covers all.

The Bitter part of Bittersweet

How do you prepare yourself to say goodbye? The older I get, the rougher losing someone becomes. Maybe because when we are young we do not truly comprehend letting go. Maybe being older, death only reminds me more of my mortality. I'm struggling. To suddenly learn that a favorite relative has a terminal illness has me feeling swallowed by a heaviness I can't seem to escape. I don't want to allow myself to fully feel the relaity because I'm not sure I can bear the fullness of it all at once. Why is life so short for some? I do believe in more after this life, but losing someone from this life is still hard. It has made me realize that I might need to take a deep look into my own life and make sure I am living fully. We must live life deeply and authentically because we are not guaranteed a long life, only a full one.

Becoming

29. How can I be 29? I feel like a child that played dress up in her moms clothes. Sleeves covering her hands, pearls hanging down to her waist, shoes 5 sizes too big. Once, I was still growing into who I am. The growing pains came and I thought I wouldn't make it through. And now, now I feel like that little girl fits in her self now. I grew into who I am. I skipped and elementary school flew by, I cried a river and high school was over, I blinked and found myself a mom. Life does not wait for us. It persists and nudges and when we dig in our toes and resist it gives us a firm shove. But, we must remember to appreciate the journey. The long moments that seem never ending? Remember. The days that fly by? Remember. The painful nights full of tears and anxiety and fear? Remember. The love filled times that make your heart squeeze? Remember. The journey matters. The journey is what helps us grow into who we are and who we will be. Embrace it. Cherish it. Share it. I embrace this new year. Welcome 29. Let's be friends.

Turn Up the Silence

We are a people obsessed with noise. Music, tv, phones, the sounds of planes and cars. We desperately need to be hearing something although we are also a people that struggle to listen. Why do we fear the quiet? Because the quiet speaks to us. Silence is loud. When we shut off all that distracts us we are left with the deafening volume of our inner self. We tend to fear ourselves. We fear our thoughts and doubt our feelings and long, long, long to be accepted. But, we fear if we are real and raw and true to ourselves we would be rejected. So, we silence our thoughts and turn up the noise in our lives to feel safe from what we think and feel and are. We need to learn to not fear the quiet. The silent stillness beckons us. It is only there that we will know the truth and be free.

Don't Forget to Remember

I have been thinking about the past a lot this year. Not in a sad, wish for the old days way. More of a, I cannot believe how far I have come to get to this place way. It is important not to forget. Especially the painful times and the bad memories and the days you thought you wouldn't make it through. Maybe you think, why would you want to remember the painful times? Because we are people that forget. We like to forget. Sometimes we feel we need to forget. But remembering is important. It reminds us of who we were and tells us who we now are. It reminds us of where we were and of the journey to where we are going. Sometimes we also forget how far we have come. If we forget who we once were it is easy to believe we have not changed or grown. So choose to remember. Write down your journey. Photograph it. Record it. Make yourself remember. It is important. Remember to not forget.

And he wants you to keep that at the front of your mind? He wants you to stay focused on the darkest seasons of your life? How could that possibly do any good?'
He wants you to remember who delivered you from that time. That's the point of holding on to memory: delivery, not darkness." Ted Dekker